Tiebreakers

Napoleon's Dynamite championship depth chart:
1) Jay Cutler (-1)
2) Plaxico Burress (0)
3) Kolby Smith (5)

Baxterminators bench rankings:
1) Eli Manning (-6)
2) Marion Barber III (11)
3) Brandon Jacobs (19)

Worst-to-Worst-to-Worst-to-First! (<-- Whatever!)

The Agitated Lawyer's tiebreaker depth chart:
1) Clinton Portis (17)
2) Sean Alexander (9)
3) Roydell Williams (2)

The Maple Shade bench:
1) David Garrard (19)
2) Donovan McNabb (22)
3) Willis McGahee (0)

How many could you take on?

17
Baxter, you better be able to take on 18+ if you have any shot this weekend.

Championship Week 2007

Since Yahoo! won't allow for custom match ups, we've invaded their servers and created links to our own Championship Week matchups. The Yahoo! statistics will continue to be wrong form this week on, but we'll be able to see our own championship matchups, side-by-side with the links below:

Strictly Circus Championship: Napoleon's Dynamite vs. Baxterminators

Oreo Bowl: Grafdawgs vs. Sheik 'n' Bake

Toilet Bowl: The Agitated Lawyers vs. The Maple Shade

Special thanks to the think-tank in The Maple Shade camp, who uncovered this information. You would have thought with investigative skills like that they would have won a few more games. Take a hint from the Patriots, Shade.

Worldwide IQ

Since we're worldwide now, check out this Travel IQ Game, and see how you do. My IQ is somewhere around 102.

College Bowl Pick 'Em

I've set up a college pick'em league for a little added friendly competition amongst our group. I thought it would be fun to have another thing to check while at New Years, and it would be a nice introduction to the way Yahoo! does pick 'em leagues.

Anyway, sign up here, using the password "gohens"

First bowl game is Thursday, December 20th.

Postseason Scenarios

Oh my! I thought I had it all figured out and typed up, and then the Baxterminators had to go ahead make a Brady-and-Moss-like comeback in Week 14. Wow! (At least it simplified the possible outcomes :-)

Well, here we go. One week left, and still so much to be decided. Here are the scenarios, team by team. Don't forget about Thursday's games!

Napoleon's Dynamite:
Clinched berth in Championship.

Baxterminators:
Will clinch berth in Championship with win and a Grafdawgs loss
OR a win and a win by the Grafdawgs, with domination help
OR a loss and a loss by the Grafdawgs, with domination help.
(Baxterminators lead the Grafdawgs by 2 wins in domination record.)

Eliminated from Toilet Bowl. (Surprisingly, not a typo!)

Grafdawgs:
Will clinch berth in Championship with win and a Baxterminators loss
OR a win and a win by the Baxterminators, with domination help
OR a loss and a loss by the Baxterminators, with domination help.
(Grafdawgs trail the Baxterminators by 2 wins in domination record.)

Eliminated from Toilet Bowl.

Sheik 'n' Bake:
Eliminated from Championship.

Will be eliminated from the Toilet Bowl with a win
OR a loss and a loss by the Agitated Lawyers.

Will clinch a Toilet Bowl berth with a loss and a win by the Agitated Lawyers.

Agitated Lawyers:
Eliminated from Championship.

Will be eliminated from the Toilet Bowl with a win and a loss by Sheik 'n' Bake.

Will clinch a Toilet Bowl berth with a loss.

The Maple Shade:
Clinched berth in Toilet Bowl.

SCFF Rules

Section I: Season

a: The Strictly Circus Fantasy Football (SCFF) season shall coincide with the official regular season of the National Football League (NFL).

b: The "regular season" will exist over the first fifteen (15) weeks of the NFL season.

c: The "postseason" will exist as a single week, corresponding to week sixteen (16) of the NFL season.

d: The last week of the NFL season, currently the seventeenth (17) week, will never serve as an official SCFF week of play unless needed in tie-breaker situations.

Section II: Teams

a: One team shall exist per owner. More than one team may exist in any given market.

b: The name of any team shall be decided upon by the owner and may be rejected only by a two-third majority vote of the league owners on the condition that the name is derogatory, inflammatory, or otherwise unfitting of the league.

c: Each team will be associated with a "market", which may be defined by that team/owner's location. Such markets will be considered an official part of the team's name. Teams may choose whether or not they wish to use their market as a part of their official communications, however the market name and team name will always be associated in official league communications.

Section III: Draft

a: The draft will take place no later than one week before the beginning of the regular season.

b: The draft order will be determined by the results of the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament Pool. The player in first place of the pool will have first choice of his/her position within the draft order. The player second place will have second choice of his/her position in the draft, and so on.

c: The draft will take place in a "snake-like" fashion, whereas the team with the first selection of the first round, will have the last selection of the second round. The team with the second selection of the second round will have the second to last selection in the second round, and so on.

d: Teams will have no longer than 5 minutes to make a draft selection, unless a majority of owners allows for more time.

Section IV: Rosters/Scoring

a: Each team will consist of no more than seventeen (17) players. A defensive team is treated as one player.

b: Each team will be able to start no more than two (2) Quarterbacks.

c: Each team will be able to start no more than two (2) Running Backs.

d: Each team will be able to start no more than four (4) Wide Receivers OR three (3) Wide Receivers and one (1) Tight End.

e: Each team will be able to start no more than one (2) Place Kicker.

f: Each team will be able to start no more than one (1) Defensive Team.

g: Each positions will be awarded points as described below:

Offensive Position Players:
Passing Yards (50 yards per point)
Passing Touchdowns (6)
Interceptions (-2)
Rushing Yards (20 yards per point)
Rushing Touchdowns (6)
Reception Yards (20 yards per point)
Reception Touchdowns (6)
Return Touchdowns (6)
2-Point Conversions (2)
Fumbles Lost (-2)
Offensive Fumble Return TD (6)

Place Kickers:
Field Goals 0-19 Yards (3)
Field Goals 20-29 Yards (3)
Field Goals 30-39 Yards (3)
Field Goals 40-49 Yards (4)
Field Goals 50+ Yards (5)
Point After Attempt Made (1)

Defensive Teams:
Sack (1)
Interception (2)
Fumble Recovery (2)
Touchdown (6)
Safety (2)
Block Kick (2)
Points Allowed 0 points (10)
Points Allowed 1-6 points (7)
Points Allowed 7-13 points (4)
Points Allowed 14-20 points (1)
Points Allowed 21-27 points (0)
Points Allowed 28-34 points (-1)
Points Allowed 35+ points (-4)

h: Fractions of points or rounding of points will not be allowed.

i: All scoring will be calculated by an arbitrary third party. This third party will be agreed upon by a minimum of two thirds of the league's owners. The current third party is Yahoo! Fantasy Sports.

j: Teams will be permitted to trade players at any point between the draft and the Friday before the thirteenth (13) week.

k: Teams will be permitted to trade players in an in-equivalent manners (i.e. two players for one player, three players for two players, etc.)

l: Any trade may be negated by a majority vote of the league owners, as long as the votes are counted within 48 hours of the trade.

m: Players dropped by a team will be placed on waivers and made available to any team, based on waiver rules.

n: Between 1:00 am on the Sunday to 12 midnight on Wednesday morning all rosters are frozen. Any waiver requests during that period will be executed in order of waiver priority. Waiver priority is determined by the overall standings as a result of that week's play. The team with the worst percentage would be awarded first waiver priority, the team with the second worst win percentage would be awarded second waiver priority, etc. Once a team has exercised it's waiver move it is assigned the lowest waiver priority until the next week of play, when the waiver priority is reset based on the standings.

o: Waiver moves, roster moves, and trades will all be conducted within a third party system and within the rules of that system. The rules of the league supersede the rules of the third party system. The current third party system is Yahoo! Fantasy Sports.

Section V: Ties

a: If two teams score the same number of points in a single week, each team will be awarded with a tie. A tie will be calculated as one half (0.5) of a win.

b: If two teams have the same win percentage before the beginning of the postseason week(s), then the following tie-breakers will be applied in sequential order until the tie is broken:

i: The team with the greater "domination record" will hold the advantage.

ii: If necessary, the team with the greater number of total points scored in the regular season will hold the advantage.

iii: If necessary, the team with the better "head-to-head" record in the regular season will hold the advantage.

c: If two teams have the same score in a postseason game, then a tie will not be awarded. Instead the following tie-breakers will be applied in sequential order until the tie is broken:

i: Prior to each game in the postseason, each team will select three players from their respective benches. Each owner must rank these players as first, second, and third replacement, respectively, in their "depth chart." In the event of a tie game, the first replacement bench players' scores will be compared. If both players have equivalent point totals, then the second replacements' scores will be compared, and so on, until one team is awarded with the advantage.

ii: If necessary, there will be a comparison of yardage totals across three categories: Quarterbacks, Runningbacks, and Wide Receivers (including Tight Ends). The team with the most yards within a category will be awarded that category. The team awarded the most categories is awarded the advantage.

iii: If necessary, both teams will play an extra game in the last week of the season. If necessary the tie-breaker rules from the first postseason week will apply again in the same order, until a winner is ultimately determined.

iv: If no winner can be determined from the above tie-breakers, then the two teams will be awarded each a share of the postseason title that applies to the contest.

Section VI: Championships

a: "Strictly Circus Championship Game" (SCCG) will be played by the two teams with the best win percentage from the regular season or the the two final two teams of a playoff. The winner of the SCCG will be awarded the Strictly Circus Cup. The loser of the SCCG will purchase a six-pack of the winner's choice at the annual New Year's or equivalent festivities.

b: "Toilet Bowl" game will be played by the two teams with the worst win percentage from the regular season or the worst teams in a playoff. The loser of the Toilet Bowl will be "awarded" the pink, "Beer Bitch" t-shirt, to be worn from the beginning of New Year's or equivalent festivities, until midnight (or an equivalent time frame). The loser of the Toilet Bowl will also assume the duties of the "Beer Bitch", which includes serving beers and other beverages to all members of the rest of the league, upon request, throughout the New Year's or equivalent festivities.

c: Any other games occurring during the postseason may come to hold a name, but no result shall be equivalent in grandeur or severity as the result of the SCCG or Toilet Bowl.

Section VII: Offseason

a: No team shall retain players during the offseason. All players will be made available for the draft once the postseason is concluded.

Section VIII: Definitions

a: "Postseason" is the week(s) in which playoffs and/or championship games will take place.

b: "Market" is the city, town, region, or geographic area in which an owner lives.

c: "Domination record" is defined as the win percentage of a team against all teams in the league.

CHA-CHATTANOOGA-CHING!

Jimmy V

Flipping through the channels tonight I came across college basketball on ESPN. It was the Jimmy V Classic. If you haven't seen Jimmy V's ESPY speech, you must. Then you must find a wall and run directly through it.

Dear Grafpuppies

Watch out puppies, I'm bringin' the business in Week 14.

SCFF Worldwide

This year has marked many milestones for Strictly Circus Fantasy Football. Our proud league expanded to inlude two new owners and markets, the establishment of a state-of-the-art communications hub, and now we celebrate a new marker...

As of tomorrow evening our league will officially be a worldwide organization. Unlike the Baltimore Colts' covert, middle-of-the-night move to Indianapolis, this move was both expected and anticipated with excitement. First, Boston was proving to be infertile because of so many fans being drawn in by the recording-setting successes of other sports franchises. Second, the move comes at a great time as the Sheik 'n' Bake are bringing the people of Dubhai an exciting run on the Strictly Circus championship game. Once left for dead, the team gas had a monumental resurgence. Lastly, this is very exciting because it allows our league to beat other leagues like the NFL into such growth markets, while following on the vision of our President: earning the hearts and minds of Arabic countries with a nice large, force-fed helping of Americana.

So, to the team and it's ownership, we wish you a safe journey and much luck in your new home. We look forward to away games and the new cheerleader uniforms.

View Larger Map

Anyone need a running back?

I seem to have a surplus of somewhat decent ones. I could use a good WR. We've got 4 days to make a deal. Any takers?

Thoughts of a heartbroken insomniac

I can't sleep, gents, and it has nothing to do with 1) the oppressive heat in Andrea's apartment, 2) the fact that I leave for Abu Dhabi in 3 days, or 3) my concerns that Willie Parker will score 4 TDs and rush for 160 yards tomorrow night. No, the source of my insomnia is none other than a rotund, mustachioed football coach who shall remain nameless. This genius, in the middle of a late-game drive that could result in one of the greatest and most unexpected upsets in NFL history, elects to have his backup QB (who has been pretty smart up to this point) heave a ball 40 yards into the end zone perfectly on target to the opposing team's DB (who has already had one pick on the night).

So why's my beef with the coach and not the QB, you might ask? Two words: time management. At the moment of this errant throw, there were at least 3 minutes left in the game. So even if this play works and results in a go-ahead TD (and I'm assuming that was the point of calling it), you end up giving the ball back to the best team in football, lead by arguably the best under-pressure QB in football, with the best receiver in football, and if not the best than at least the most evil coach in football, with plenty of time to march down the field for a TD (which is exactly what the Pats did the previous time they had the ball). I swear that about 3 seconds before the interception occurred, Madden and Michaels said that the Eagles should think about slowing it down and not giving New England the ball back with too much time left. And prior to that, all the commentators were talking about was how effective the Eagles' short interior passing game had been all night.

I know hindsight is 20:20 and I could never make the calls that these coaches are making every play, but can someone please explain to me the rationale behind calling for that pass? Why go away from what's been working for you? Why not do everything in your power to maximize the chances that, worst case scenario, you kick a game-tying field goal and give the other team a short clock? And let's not forget that a few years ago this same coach, with this same team, against this same opponent, had some late-game clock management issues that may have cost him and his team a Super Bowl win.

I suppose I should be proud of the Eagles for putting up such a good fight and sticking it to the Vegas oddsmakers in the process, but part of me almost wishes they lost by 40 rather than by 3.

Anything you can do...

So anyone else think that the Pats were trying a bit too hard to ensure that Randy Moss either equalled or outdid T.O. today? Their numbers are nearly equal, I don't think Brady even looked at another receiver in the red zone until the 3rd quarter, and they both got in on a play on defense late in their games. Plus even though Owens got to 1000 yards first, Moss eclipsed him tonight and is now the NFL's leading receiver in both yards and TDs (by 4, no less).

Obviously Moss is a great receiver, he's gonna be your number 1 target, and the Bills had no answer for him tonight, but the near-parallels between his and Owens' performance are impossible to ignore (especially the defense thing - that really convinced me this was more than mere coincidence), as is the fact that after tonight Moss has regained the lead in the aforementioned receiving stats after being tied with or behind T.O. for about 2 hours.

Are the Pats really so good that they can concentrate on stupid one-upping crap like this rather than just throwing TDs to any of the other 6 receivers who are open on every play? So much for being an unselfish team that shares the wealth and doesn't put individual stat-padding over the good of the team (at least that's how the jock-sniffing Boston media describes them).

Ah, who am I kidding - I'm just pissed that Brady didn't dish a couple of those TDs to Welker so I could have dominated the league for the second time rather than Ben doing it for the 4th.

Chris, not that you could have done anything about it, but how does it feel to have 23 point lead going into the Sunday night game and end up down by more than 40? Have you hung yourself with your shiny new tie yet?

We asked for it.

The football gods have smiled upon Delaware, not only handing them an at-large playoff bid, but pitting them against Delaware State in the first round. The game will be played this, Friday, the day after Thanksgiving, at Delaware Stadium. The game will be televised on ESPN (the uno) at 1:30pm, but I'd like to get some people together to go down to the game. The Shade have already wussed out, but I am wondering if anyone else is up for the trip. Danielle can;t come, so I'd like some company.

Delaware has to play better than this past week against Villanova. They have to, right? Right?! The most interesting part of the game story was Keeler being quoted as saying, "I didn’t think anyone could do that to our offense." I'm not sure if he's referring to our own offensive coordinator/himself or the Villanova defense. Omar apparently was "hurt" with a back injury. I declare shenanigans, however. Either way it was his first game without a touchdown this season. A bunch of streaks, offensively got snapped yesterday. Oy! HOpefully, this sought-after matchup will change their attitude towards how they play.

On an aside, UMass and Richmond both tied for first in the CAA. They didn't play each other in the regular season, and all the normal tie-breakers had them even. So, the CAA commishes had to resort to a coin flip to decide who would receive the automatic berth into the playoffs. Both teams have home-field advantage, so it's not like it gave them anything exciting, but it made me laugh since we've been going through these tie breakers. Read more here.

I'm throwing the red flag

I demand a review. WR Chris Henry did not have 99 yards receiving. Check the game tape, there must be one more in there somewhere. Maybe even a half a yard, rounded up. No problem.

Every move I could possibly have made last weekend, I made wrong. And I still ended up in a tie with a team who did everything right. Watch out every-single-person-who-is-ahead-of-me-in-the-standing, I'm comin' to pimp slap you with my tie.

Finally...

Dear Donovan,
You are a piece of crap.

To make matters worse.

If you weren't disheartened enough by UD's football team dropping their most important game of the year, at home, in 5 overtimes, after missing the game-winning, 22-yard field goal… you'll be unhappy to know the men's basketball team has picked up where they left off, losing their opening game to a school commonly known as "the matress on the Hudson."

My kind of kicker

I told you so...

The desert is a sandy thief.

Lawyers, you need to equip your pad with an alarm system because that dude is robbing your ass. Enjoy your one-legged receiver who doesn't play and your defense that I dropped 3 weeks ago so that you could have picked them up off waivers any time.

Ask yourself WWMND? What would Mike Nifong do? He would press some charges.

Anyone want Mike Vick? I'll [pick him up off waivers and] trade him to you.

Reasons to watch tonight's otherwise ho-hum game

There should be some eager eyes on tonight's Monday Night matchup between the Steelers and Ravens. It's a good thing too, because I can't think of a good reason to watch that game, otherwise.

All three matchup are close enough to depend on this last game of the week to set the record straight. The instant the ball is kicked off, the Lawyers will jump ahead of the hopeful Baxterminators. The battle will then begin as each will jockey for position: Baxter hoping to gain points from Hines Ward and Merritt hoping the Baltimore defense doesn't lose points (& strips Ward on his way to the end zone).

Burket is betting on his childhood rooting interests and a better than average performance from Ben Rothlesberger, as he hopes for a 15+ point effort against the classic defense of the Ravens. The Graffawgs will sit tonight out, preferring to work on their time machine, so as to go back in time and recover some of the many points left on their bench this week.

The Dynamite will be looking for a big night from the Baltimore offense as Sheik has Matt Stover kicking tonight. I'll also be hoping that Hines Ward isn't double teamed, so as Big Ben will target him more than Santonio Holmes. Either way, it's not
looking favorable for the Dynamite, as we're up against the red hot Sandmen.

So gather all your rowdy friends and prepare yourself for the game you wouldn't have interest in otherwise. If for no other reason, we can track the number of times Kornheiser looks lovingly into Jaworski's eyes.

University of Delaware at Berkeley

Its stories like this that reinforce my belief that Jeff Pearlman’s UD-is-Racist-Because-It Won’t-Play-DSU article chases a non-existent enemy, while a more real problem is the propensity for colleges to lean towards joining the thought police.

See this story.

http://wbal.com/news/story.asp?articleid=65051

I’m hoping that the training that the RAs received and passed on is not actually a reflection of UD’s policy. Anyway I’m apparently a racist since “A racist is one who is both privileged and socialized on the basis of race by a white supremacist (racist) system. The term applies to all white people (i.e., people of European descent) living in the United States, regardless of class, gender, religion, culture or sexuality. By this definition, people of color cannot be racists, because as peoples within the U.S. system, they do not have the power to back up their prejudices, hostilities, or acts of discrimination. (This does not deny the existence of such prejudices, hostilities, acts of rage or discrimination.”

The training manual was posted at: http://www.thefire.org/pdfs/3d0208922083e5d59664be8371ab5f0f.pdf?PHPSESSID=c6fbbb05a21c207a06570748d1d61a7c

I don’t know anything about the advocacy group that is putting the pressure on, but their piece can be found here:

http://s3.amazonaws.com/thefirecache/8555.html?PHPSESSID=33214196fb6e889832400033f247add3

Miracle comeback

Looks like the Shade could have used this play in their playbook this week:

Who has 2 thumbs and is the dumbest person in the world? This guy.

I guess that line would work better if you could see my thumbs.

I don't know whom I owe the bigger apology: the Chargers for my complete (but not totally unwarranted) lack of faith in them or Chris for the fact that I still somehow squeaked out a victory that I clearly do not deserve.

Is there some sort of clause that if a team has 5 bench players who outscore their 10 starters, they automatically forfeit the game? There should be. I'll take the win, but I am completely disgusted with myself.

The Dynamite Prepare to Baxterminate

How do you like our new cheerleader uniforms? (SFW and so cute. I think this wins me the tie-breaker.)

A bit of advice for the Baterminators: you'll want to use one of these to minimize injuries today.

UD-DSU Update

ESPN focuses on UD, DSU

Harker hopes to start UD-DSU football rivalry

DSU-UD meeting still on course after close call

For the Blue Hens, I suggest subscribing to this feed to keep up to date on UD sports happenings.

Maple vs. Desert: The "Shady" Details

My dearest shrubbery,

While I'm tempted to award you some bonus points in the showdown this weekend for creating a post that literally made me laugh out loud, upon re-examining the central argument of said post, I discovered some glaring flaws that are in dire need of redress.

Let us first consider the respective merits of the various aspects of the desert that you so callously deride:

Drought: True, water and its potential benefits for life have gotten some good press in recent years, but will the good PR last? I think not. Once Nobel-laureate Gore's Irritating Truth Theory proves true and the polar ice caps melt, you'll pay top dollar for a drought. That or an ark, but arks are hard to come by these days.

Scorpions: Download "Wind of Change" to your iTunes and then tell me these guys don't rock (you like a hurricane). As for the arachnids, they're pretty cool too. Perhaps the oldest predatory species still in existence, they are some of the most resilient creatures on Earth and are even capable of surviving nuclear radiation. In Texas I personally witnessed some of their many talents, such as walking on ceilings, hiding in coffee cups, and not dying.

Cancer: Technically this is a product not of the desert itself but rather of the sun (that luminous, life-giving bastard). However, I find it interesting that the link for this word on your post leads to a Camel cigarettes ad - desert, camel, cigarettes, cancer: interesting progression. Coincidence or cleverness?

Sand in your butt: Come on, now you're just getting desperate. After all, who doesn't love the sensation of hundreds of coarse granules of pulverized rock migrating up his or her rectal cavity? Anal exfoliation: what could be better? I mean, I can't be alone here, can I?

A Horse with No Name: While lacking the dulcimer tones that Gerry Beckley lent to "Sister Golden Hair" and not offering quite as rich a tapestry of lyrical images as that woven by Dewey Bunnell in "Ventura Highway," this 1972 single by the English-American folk-rock band America still reached number 1 on the charts and is cherished by the tens of people who like the sound of singers whose voices somewhat resemble that of Neil Young.

So now that I've extolled the virtues of the desert, let's examine the darker side of the maple:

Shade: While providing respite from the harsh rays of the aforementioned cancer-orb, the shade is the breeding ground of mildew and fungi. Hardly what I'd consider "stately." There's a reason why the term "shady" has such negative connotations.

Syrup: Great on pancakes, waffles, french toast, and the occasional naked woman, but the stickiness presents real problems. Especially when my roommate spills a bottle of it in my fridge and it gets on my beer. Syrup's kinda on my poop-list right now.

Helicopters: I could never do that cool thing where you split them down the middle and put them on your nose. On a more universal level, they clutter lawns and are too small to easily rake up, thus angering the scores of people who have nothing more important to care about than how nice their yards look. Don't kid yourself, those people are out there.

Hammocks: So comfortable...TOO comfortable, in fact. Their gentle, swaying embrace is conducive to laziness, and unproductivity goes against the American way and the Protestant work ethic upon which our country was founded. As the saying goes, "Idle buttocks make the Devil's Advocate." Or something to that effect - I was never up to speed on my God-isms.

Photosynthesis: When you think about it, is oxygen really all it's cracked up to be? Yes, breathing is nice and all, but it's a commodity that's become far too readily available: stupid people currently have just as much access to it as do intelligent people. If there were less oxygen to go around as the result of, say, massive deforestation, then we'd be thrown into a survival of the fittest situation in which the idiots among us would certainly die out first, thus strengthening the species. Simply put, fewer plants equals smarter humans. It's Social Darwinism at its finest, and who can argue with that?

In conclusion, while on the surface the maple seems comforting and life-giving and the desert harsh and unforgiving, there's more to each of them than first meets the eye. Hopefully the same can be said of the Sheik 'n' Bake this weekend.

Yours Truly,
Sheik Yorbooti
President of the International Council for the Promulgation of Desert Awesomeosity

P.S. - Getcha Powerthirst ready!!! (It helps prevent dehydration-in-the-back)

Tale of the Tape: Maple v. Desert

photo credited to Brian Vo

The stately maple provides us with shade, delicious syrup, helicopters, hammocks, and photosynthesis.


photo credited to HORIZON

The desert gives us drought, scorpions, cancer, sand in your butt, and a horse with no name.

The stately maple is clearly awesome, while the desert will dehydrate you in the back while you're not looking.

Watch The Maple Shade dominate the Desert on Sunday, Sunday, Sunday.

Stop believin', IT'S ME SNITCHES!

Tie-breaking: Up for debate

Partly because this blog is apparently dead, and partly because I do not leave well enough alone, I pose this question to the league:

What should be our tie-breaker rules?

Situation 1: Two teams are tied going into the Championship Game or Toilet Bowl week.

Possible Tie-Breaker Solutions:
  - Total Points
  - Overall League Record (a.k.a. "Domination Record" as seen on the blog's "current standings" section, defined as: a team's record against every team in the league each week, as opposed to just their individual game's opponent)
  - Record vs. opponent with whom the tie is held

Situation 2: Two teams tie in the Championship Game or Toilet Bowl

Possible Tie-Breaker Solutions:
  - Substitute tie score for Optimal Score for that week
  - Substitute tie score for Total Score (Starters+Bench) for that week
  - Have the teams play each other in Week 16 to break the tie. (In which case we still need a tie-breaker solution in case of a second, though improbable tie game.)
  - Teams share the title

Discuss.

Record Book

Despite Yahoo!'s pretty nifty Record Book, it seems only right that we would keep track of some of our own stats. So, we'll keep this up to date on our own. Have a new category to suggest? Just do some research and add it in.

All-Time Records

Most Strictly Circus Championships:
4 - B. Grafton (2001, 03, 05, 06)
Most Beer Bitch "Titles":
4 - J. Baxter (2001, 04, 05, 06)

Most Points Scored by a Team:
169 - The JoPas (2004, Week 3)
Least Points Scored by a Team:
26 - Napoleon's Dynamite (2007, Week 15)

Modern Era Records:

Most Points Scored by a Team:
138 - Napoleon's Dynamite (2007, Week 14)
Least Points Scored by a Team:
26 - Napoleon's Dynamite (2007, Week 15)

Most Points Scored by a Player:
43 - Tom Brady, Napoleon's Dynamite (2007, Week 7)
Least Points Scored by a Player:
-6 - Drew Brees, Baxterminators (2007, Week 3)

Most Points Scored by a Position Player (as a starter):
43 - QB - Tom Brady, Napoleon's Dynamite (2007, Week 7) & Tom Brady, Animal (2009, Week 6)
33 - RB - LaDainian Tomlinson, Baxterminators (2007, Week 6)
32 - WR - Terrell Owens, The Maple Shade (2007, Week 11)
18 - TE - Antonio Gates, Bay State MAssClowns (2009, Week 4)
18 - K - Matt Stover, Sheik 'n' Bake (2007, Week 6)
39 - DEF - San Francisco, Napoleon's Dynamite (2009, Week 4)

Powerthirst!

If your team isn't drinking this… they should be!

The comparison appears appropriate...

After five interceptions on Monday night, it has been confirmed… Brett Favre is an old Tony Romo.

Change of management

So how many points did I leave on the bench this week? About 60?

It's over; I quit. The sweat-stained depths of my University of Hawaii cap will be making all the lineup decisions from here on out. I am, if nothing else, a man of my word.

Job Satisfaction

I wish I loved MY job this much.

Boo BCS

If you're like me you hate the BCS… and you would have been interested when you saw this site on one of those extra tall signs during ESPN's College Gameday.

Pink (Elephant in the the League) Shirt

Unfortunately this is no longer timely, but let's examine for a moment what occurred this past week.

It seems that the same guy who called Baxter out for possibly having the lowest point total ever in a Strictly Circus game (later to be proven only 9th lowest), proceeded to actually score the lowest point total ever: 33 points!

So, Chris, this week, you are wearing the virtual Pink Shirt. I know, I know. Poor Jared also scored a measly 33 points this week as well, but why kick a man when he's down? Besides it's clear that Sheik 'n' Bake are making moves to improve their situation. The Maple Shade didn't even pick up a player to fill an injury spot last week.

So, here's to you "Karma" Shade! You got what was coming (or wasn't coming) after calling out the Baxterminators.

All of this brings up a greater point. What statistical categories do we want to track for posterity. Highest/lowest score of all time. Most points/least points scored by an individual player. Any other suggestions?

In case you're wondering, the Record Book tracks a lot, but perhaps not over many years. So far, Strength of Schedule is one of the best automatically calculated stat.

Maple Shade Media Guide

If you're interested in learning more about the Maple Shade, check out their new media guide.

Only a horrific performance by Wes Welker on Monday Night can save the Maple Shade from the distinction of the biggest piece of crap ever.

Sweet merciful crap, the Phillies win the pennant!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How 'bout those Phightin's?!?!

I guess we were slightly off when we considered them dead back on draft day, huh, Baxter?

For once, I'm glad I was wrong about something.

I must confess...I have "computer-whipped" my wife's Grandfather...

So, you may have all noticed that the HoneyBrook Hellrazer did not make any picks last week in Pigskin Pickem. You may not have known, but the HoneyBrook Hellrazer is Heather's grandfather - Pop Wanner - and you may have noticed that I am charged with entering his picks each week. So I blew it this week. I had no problem entering my own picks (I enter mine before I call Pop to make sure that I am not at all influenced by his superior knowledge and reasoning), but then for some reason I went on to plan my Strictly Circus lineup selection (which I must add here did in fact pay off quite well for me this week!) and I never went back to enter Pop's picks. He did in fact have 11 correct selections this week - I present to you exhibit A (below) which is a scanned image of Pop's and my picks. So - just like last year when I pencil-whipped Pop by mis-entering one game on one week, I will have to carry this burden of correction for the entire season...so, when you look at the standings each week in Blue Hen Pickem...add 11 to the score of HoneyBrook Hellrazers, and thank me for the inconvenience.

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

Brian is a Dumbass.

5 good QBs

Like I said, there are clearly 5 good QBs. Only an idiot would include Drew Brees among the elite QBs, since he has a total of 0 points on the season after his 5 turnover night last night.

Hopefully he will get straightened out on his bye week this week. Unfortunately I have Eli as his backup and the Giants are playing the Eagles this week. Ugh.

At least the Eagles offense woke up.

Early Season Evaluation

I thought it'd be fun to look back on our draft and see how some of our top draftees were doing now that were 20% through the season. Enjoy the pain and surprise by their numbers* and be sure to check out the poll about the bottom half of the draft's overachievers in the sidebar.

First Round Draft Picks:
27 - L. Tomlinson (Baxterminators)
7 - S. Jackson (The Maple Shade)
9 - L. Johnson (Grafdawgs)
37 - J. Addai (Napoleon's Dynamite)
25 - S. Alexander (The Agitated Lawayers)
26 - F. Gore (Sheik 'n' Bake)

First Pick QB's (with round drafted in parenthesis):
44 - (2) P. Manning (The Agitated Lawayers)
63 - (2) C. Palmer (Baxterminators)
40 - (3) D. McNabb (The Maple Shade)
16 - (3) M. Bulger (Grafdawgs)
72 - (3) T. Brady (Napoleon's Dynamite)
30 - (4) P. Rivers (Sheik 'n' Bake)

B. Favre, J. Delhomme, & B. Roethlisberger (46, 42, 48) were three of the last four QB's selected and have done better than the bottom 3 of the first 6 QB's picked (16, 30, 40).

First Pick WR's:
36 - (3) S. Smith (The Agitated Lawyers)
16 - (3) M. Harrison (Sheik 'n' Bake)
7 - (4) L. Fitzgerald (Napoleon's Dynamite)
19 - (4) T. Holt (Grafdawgs)
33 - (4) T. Owens (The Maple Shade)
22 - (4) R. Wayne (Baxterminators)

* Fantasy Points are represented by Yahoo!'s standard scoring practices, I believe and may not be reflective of our league's scoring (anyone know for sure?)

My life in a Sportscenter commercial

Ever wonder what it feels like to be me at work?

Yeah, that's right.

UD-DSU Non-rivalry

This story on ESPN.com, written by a Delaware alum, suggests that the reason UD does not play Delaware State is race. (for Jared, DSU is an all-black school) Hopefully this is not true. I have wondered before why we didn't play them since it seems like a natural rivalry.

It is hard to prove that race is involved, but the excuses of the UD officials are pretty lame. It's disturbing and embarrassing if it's true.

Do you guys have any other information on this?

Blog decorating

What with the Eagles losing last night, and everyone losing to me week after week, I thought I’d try to brighten up the blog a little bit with a completely football related pic.

Shameless self-promotion

Ben - Does Volvo know that you are using the new C30 website for shameless self-promotion? I love it!

Monday Night Football

I'm looking forward to a whole lot of this...



McNabb is going to go All-Madden on the Redskins.

Baxter, this is a true test of your allegiance. Do you root for the Eagles first victory or the termination of the Baxterminators? There can be only one.

Nike "Leave Nothing" fiddle music rules!

Have you all seen the new Nike "Leave Nothing" commericals? If so - can you tell me where the music came from? I know...I recognized it right away...just curious if anyone else did as well.
-Brian

Timing is everything

This is a screenshot from an ad for NFL.com that was running on nytimes.com. No kidding.

The rest of the ad read: "Breakdown hours of footage. Analyze player stats and profiles. Nobody prepares you like we do."

Apparently NFL.com made this before they knew of Bill Belichick's preparation.

Take a page from the Oklahoma playbook

Now you know what to do when you happen upon a Villanova fan in a bar...

Texas Football Fan Nearly Castrated in Bar Fight in Oklahoma Bar

Ben, you must appreciate the fantastic stock photo with this version:
Stock photo of castration (SFW)

Termites!

Surrender now and you won't get hurt. You know it will be painful to watch McNabb light up the Redskins like a Christmas tree and know that every TD is just piling on your poor Termites.

Tiki Barber thinks you should be starting Brandon Jacobs and Eli Manning this week. Don't you listen to every word that genius says?

Let me put it another way. The Maple Shade are to #31 as the Termites are to some sorry excuse for a Minnesota RB. The Poz is bringin' the pain.

Have you seen me?

Perhaps you can help. I'm a 5'9" wide receiver, last seen in Seattle, WA with my Quarterback, Matt Hasselback. My owner has looked for me in the injury reports, box scores, and game summaries, but to no avail. I could be in some of my old stomping grounds like Foxboro, MA or Albany, GA. Please contact the owner of Napoleon's Dynamite if you know anything. He misses me so.

Freaky Eyes

Did anyone notice the freaky CGI NBC was using in the game tonight? In the second quarter they showed a graphic of players who left the Colts in the offseason. They showed David, who was playing for the Saints, and 5 other players. In David's photo he was moving his head, nodding and blinking his eyes. The other photos were still shots, no movement, expect for their freaky eyes that blinked exactly once. They were totally fake. NBC used CGI to get them to make their other photos. WTF?

I wonder how they would have handled this dude?

The Wonders of Modern Technology

OK, so this StatTracker thing is pretty cool...except when it confused Marvin Harrison with Reggie Wayne and tried to give Baxter MY desperately needed points. Apparently screwing me over in the draft wasn't enough for that greedy so-and-so.

And by the way, Baxter, nice hands Reggie Wayne!

Napoleon - You're goin' down like Waterloo!

I'm bringin' it like Tamba this week.



Click clack. Click clack.

Ever wanted to know how it feels to score a TD...

and nearly be eaten by a bear?

(Warning: foul language included)



via deadspin.

Old Logo for the NFL (1660-1969)

The new logo and the most recent old logo beat the hell out of this logo, which the NFL used 1960-1969.

Why does the football on the new logo only have 5 laces? The old logo is correct, a football has 8 laces.



Check out this comprehensive sports logo site
Or an NFL specific link
Last one is for the Blue Hens

New Logo for NFL

Since the Ref uniform change of last year went so well (read: sarcasm), the NFL decided that their logo needed to look all fresh and updated as well. When I heard about this, I was initially appalled. The NFL logo was fine the way it was—overly patriotic, simple, and well-known. So, what about their redesign?

I'm actually okay with it. When you compare the two side-by-side, the field of stars looks less busy and the new type choice is an easier read (especially on screen). I did like the old version of the "L" because it had more character to it, but the new type fits with the more simplified design. It is a bit annoying that, in both logos, the "F" bleeds into some implied white space at the point of the shield.

Overall, I'm happily surprised and breathed a sigh of relief when I saw the new design. Anyone else care enough to have a reaction?

Via Brand New and UniWatch

"In the first round of the 2008 draft…

Napoleon's Dynamite selects Ray Rice, the Running Back from Rutgers University, and Omar Cuff, the Running Back out of University of Delaware as it's first and second round draft picks."


Everyone knows you have to go RB-RB in fantasy football, and what better combo would there be than these two? Just check out these numbers from last night's respective season openers:

Ray Rice: 25 carries for 184 yards and 3 TDs. A 7.4 yards/carry average (and 2 catches for 21 yards)
Omar Cuff: 30 carries for 244 yards 6 TDs! That's 8.1 yards/carry and he had 4 catches for 52 yards and another score. 7 total TDs!

What a fantastic way to open the college football season, and a great way to start next season.

Brotherly Love

I know there's an emphasis on football here (as it very well should be), but I also know we have a bunch of Phillies fans in the house, and so I bring to you a bit of tomfoolery from one Phillies pitcher, Brett Myers.

Apparently, Brett doesn't like "retarded" questions, and can get a bit fiesty about his "retarded" answers. Take a listen, but keep the speakers low if you are at work or around impressionable young ears (including yourself, Brian—although I'm not sure how impressionable one can be once you've worn a dress).

via UniWatch.

Worst Team EVER???

Before this year is over, you will all really regret the fact that this blog provides me with a forum for unrestrained ranting.

So remember during the draft when I said that 0-15 was a distinct possibility for my team's record this year? Some of you may have dismissed this prognostication as merely the result of frustration over the draft not exactly going the way I had hoped or planned, or, for those of you who know me well (i.e. Ben), a prime example of my typical self-deprecatory humor and charming Eeyore-like pessimism. But I now offer you incontrovertible mathematical evidence proving that my projection, while perhaps a bit extreme, was by no means inaccurate.

Utilizing the lovely "Projected Stats" tool that YahooPlus offers, I determined the projected score of each of my team's 15 regular season games at maximum potential efficiency for both my team and my opponent (e.g. the specific lineups that would, for that particular week, yield the most points possible). According to these calculations, the Brighton-Abu Dhabi Sheik 'n' Bake will go 3-12 this year.

Now obviously this statistical projection is far from perfect, as it assumes all of the following:
A) every player will score exactly as projected;
B) each coach will select the exact lineup resulting in the most points possible; and
C) no roster changes of any kind will be made throughout the season.

However unlikely that all may be, I argue that the draft results indicate that I am by far either the dumbest or unluckiest (or quite possibly both) coach in the league, which begs the conclusion that the rest of you will inevitably make better coaching decisions, trades, and roster changes than I will. In other words, 3-12, here we come.

So how am I reacting to this Nostradamian vision of impending doom? Believe it or not I find it quite refreshing to know that my team has to do so little to live up to or, dare I say it, exceed such pitifully low expectations. Also, I'm thrilled to be playing the beloved role of the spoiler. You just know that one of you poor souls will have your post-season aspirations dashed by an inconceivable and inconveniently-timed loss to my team. Or, more likely, you'll find yourself in 3rd place with the season winding down, desperately needing the 2nd place team to lose their remaining games so that you, unable to control your own destiny, can limp into the Strictly Circus Bowl (thus taking a page right out of the New York Jets Guide to Reaching the Post-Season), but alas! your dreams go unfulfilled as my fellowship of incompetence fails to do your work for you and falls to the 2nd place team, guaranteeing them a spot in the championship and relegating you to the Who Gives A Rat's Ass Bowl or the Undesire-A-Bowl, or whatever we decide to call the meaningless 3rd-4th place game.

So enjoy the 2 or 3 wins with which I generously provide you, yet be forewarned that if every other team is faring the same way against me, you're really not accomplishing anything by beating me. For my part, I hope that Merritt and his man-crush Peyton kick all your asses. That way at least one expansion team - lo and behold, the one that DIDN'T get completely screwed by 1) having the worst draft position and 2) Baxter's Dr. Evilian "2 QBs is really the way to go" scheme - can have some success this year.

End communication.

League over before it starts

Aug 25 The Associated Press reports Indianapolis Colts QB Peyton Manning looked to be in midseason form Saturday, Aug. 25, against the Detroit Lions. He tossed three touchdowns during the first half of the game. He hit 23-of-27 passes for 233 yards. During the preseason, Manning is 31-of-40 for 311 yards with no interceptions.

Owners within the Strictly Circus league would not comment publicly, but sources revealed that half the league was ready to call it quits by the 13th round, knowing that the Agitated Lawyers are poised to dominate their first season.

Draft Results

The draft results have been entered into Yahoo. Check your teams and be sure there isn't a mistake. If there is, blame Merritt's spreadsheet.

The waiver and trade wires are now open.

Scoring system

What scoring are we using? The notes on the Yahoo site say the new default is Passing: 1 point per 25 yards & 4 points per TD. Rushing and Receiving: 1 point per 10 yards & 6 points per TD.

This is different from previous years' rules that Chris mentioned earlier: Passing: 1 point per 50 yards & 6 points per TD. Rushing and Receiving: 1 point per 20 yards & 6 points per TD.

Is there anybody out there...?

OK so this is my first blogging experience as well...I'm hoping it works.

And I'm gonna use my virgin blog to gripe: how did my team's name come to have Watertown in it? First of all, I no longer live in Watertown but in Brighton, and second, since as of early December, I (and my team with me) will be moving to Abu Dhabi, I figure that's the place that should be attached to my team name - especially since my soon-to-be desert home was the inspiration behind the deliciously clever pun Sheik 'n' Bake, which is not nearly so wonderful if the team hailed from Massachusetts.

Also note that on the Yahoo site, I changed the name from Team Sheik 'n' Bake to the UAE (United Arab Emirates) Sheik 'n' Bake (since Abu Dhabi Sheik 'n' Bake was too long a name according to Yahoo) in an effort to comply with one of Chris' emails that said "add your city to your team name."

So basically as things currently stand, my team has two different names, depending on whether you visit the Yahoo site or the blog. If we really wanna be crazy, we can dub the team with a hybrid name (a la the New Orleans/Oklahoma City Hornets): perhaps the Brighton-Abu Dhabi Sheik 'n' Bake. Thoughts, anyone?

Oh, and on an actual serious note, should I chose to draft via IM, is a Yahoo Messenger account suitable? I think I have/had one of those.

Official Draft Time - Saturday 8/25 at 6 PM

OK, Etch it in stone. The draft time is Saturday 8/25 at 6 PM.

Grafton and Baxter are definitely weighing in via IM and I believe I will see Ben, Brian M., and possibly Jared at my place.

Next order of business, get the draft order set. Grafton, you are on the clock to decide when you will be on the clock.

Final order of buisness is rules...

1) Waiver wire will follow Yahoo rules is confirmed.
2) Roster size and starting positions is still up in the air, comment on the blog to weigh in.
3) The number of playoff teams is also still up for debate. The poll is still active on the blog. Vote ASAP.

Draft Order Updated - See Previous Post

The Draft Order has been updated.

First, I am picking 2nd. Grafton, you are on the clock.

Second, Heather randomly selected Brian M. to select his draft position 5th.

When it's your turn to pick your draft spot edit the Draft Order post.

I'm BLOGGING?

I guess I'm blogging? It feels like typing an email, but they say I'm blogging. Wow! 2007 welcomes the Grafdawgs to the future!

League Championship History

Strictly Circus Championships
-------------------------
2009: Jared d. Ben (120-70)
2008: Baxter d. Chris (93-92)
2007: Ben d. Baxter (83-60)
2006: Grafton d. Chris (90-75)
2005: Grafton d. Ben (113-106)
2004: Chris d. Grafton (154-103)
2003: Grafton d. Baxter
2002: Ben d. Chris
2001: Grafton d. Chris
2000: Chris d. Ben
1999: Baxter d. Grafton

Beer Bitches
-------------------------
2009: Merritt (__ Beers Served)
2008: Grafton (__ Beers Served)
2007: Merritt (__ Beers Served)
2006: Baxter (__ Beers Served)
2005: Baxter (24 Beers Served)
2004: Baxter (21 Beers Served)
2003: Ben (21 Beers Served)
2002: Grafton (Prior to Beer Bitch shirt, loser of Toilet Bowl)
2001: Baxter
2000: ?
1999: ?

Draft Time - August 25 at 7 PM

I have heard from Ben, Brian G., and Baxter. The 25th is good. How about Brian M. and Jared?

Roster Size and Starting Positions

QB, QB
RB, RB
WR, WR, WR
WR/TE (Start one or the other)
K
DEF (Team defense)

BN, BN, BN, BN, BN, BN, BN, BN (7 Total Bench)

Updated on Draft Day 2007

Waiver Wire Rules

Should we use a modified version of last year's waiver wire rules, or the new Yahoo version. Both versions are explained...

2006 Waiver Wire Rules
------------------
1) All players not currently on a roster are free agents.
2) Each manager has 5 free roster moves during the season.
3) Roster moves for players out 4+ weeks due to injury are free.
4) Players injured in Week 13+ are not eligible for a free roster move.
5) Suspensions are not considered injuries.
6) Championship and Toilet Bowl games are during Week 16.

Waiver Wire Rules

Su 12:00 PM - Free injury pickup period begins
T 11:59 PM - Free injury pickup period ends, waiver process begins
W 12:00 PM - First waiver priority expires
W 11:59 PM - Second waiver priority expires
R 12:00 PM - Third waiver priority expires
R 11:59 PM - Fourth waiver prioirty expires, free drop/add begins
Su 12:00 PM - Free drop/add ends

* all times EST
------------------


2007 Potential Yahoo Rules
------------------
I'd like to suggest going to a system where extraneous rules are not necessary and allow Yahoo to manage the entire thing. It will also be more difficult to sort out the waiver start/end times with 6 teams.

Here is what is built into Yahoo:

ALL players not on rosters are placed on waivers Sun-Tue. In order to claim a player you must claim him during that time and also have the highest waiver priority. The waiver claims are processed at the end of Tue.

The waiver priority list is determined by the current week-to-week standings. So it will be different every week. It will go in reverse order of standing (the best team is last on the list).

After Tues and the processing of all waiver claims, then all players are free agents. Any manager can pick any player up at any time.

I AM PROPOSING TO DO AWAY WITH THE LIMITS ON NUMBER OF PICKUPS AND FREE INJURY PICKUPS.

I think pickups will be more important with more teams and therefore there should be more freedom to tinker with rosters. An extra 38 players will be drafted this year, certainly more than a few will be busts.
------------------

From email and other discussions it appears the vote on this is as follows so far:

Chris - Yahoo
Ben - Yahoo
Baxter - Yahoo
Brian - Yahoo

2007 Draft Order

1) Baxter
2) Chris
3) Grafton
4) Ben
5) Merritt
6) Jared

This post must be edited by the following people, in the following order (based on the results of the NCAA pool from 2007):

1) Baxter
2) Chris
3) Grafton
4) Ben
5) Brian M.
6) Jared

Pick your position before draft day, gentlemen.

Discussion could ensue here about who should be in the 5 hole. Or discussion can end if either Brian or Jared slips me a twenty :-)

test

This is my first blog post ever. I feel so 21st century now. I love August, when there is still the chance that this year could be my year.

In the beginning…

Born in 1999, Strictly Circus was created by Ben Thoma, along with the founders Brian Grafton, Jason Baxter, and Chris Burket. Early on, the league depended on such resources as magazines, television, and pencil & paper. Since then, the league has evolved to incorporate the use of the Internet, StatTrackers and HD television.

All the while, each team has battled for honor, bragging rights, and a spot in the Strictly Circus Bowl. Those falling from grace, hope to avoid the dreaded pink shirt and associated New Year's Eve "Beer Bitch" duties, as is customary for the loser of the annual Toilet Bowl. All the while, the league seeks to instill it's mighty pact in all who participate: "Win or lose… all must drink Car Bombs."

After several seasons as Commissioner, Ben handed the reins to the current Commish, Chris, who manages the league through Yahoo!'s Fantasy services.

In 2007, the league expanded into two lucrative markets, overseen by team owners Brian Merritt and Jared Cavagnuolo. Around this same time, the league incorporated the use of this blog as an official voice and home to league communication. What you read here is not only the soul of Strictly Circus, but it's bowels.