Worst Team EVER???

Before this year is over, you will all really regret the fact that this blog provides me with a forum for unrestrained ranting.

So remember during the draft when I said that 0-15 was a distinct possibility for my team's record this year? Some of you may have dismissed this prognostication as merely the result of frustration over the draft not exactly going the way I had hoped or planned, or, for those of you who know me well (i.e. Ben), a prime example of my typical self-deprecatory humor and charming Eeyore-like pessimism. But I now offer you incontrovertible mathematical evidence proving that my projection, while perhaps a bit extreme, was by no means inaccurate.

Utilizing the lovely "Projected Stats" tool that YahooPlus offers, I determined the projected score of each of my team's 15 regular season games at maximum potential efficiency for both my team and my opponent (e.g. the specific lineups that would, for that particular week, yield the most points possible). According to these calculations, the Brighton-Abu Dhabi Sheik 'n' Bake will go 3-12 this year.

Now obviously this statistical projection is far from perfect, as it assumes all of the following:
A) every player will score exactly as projected;
B) each coach will select the exact lineup resulting in the most points possible; and
C) no roster changes of any kind will be made throughout the season.

However unlikely that all may be, I argue that the draft results indicate that I am by far either the dumbest or unluckiest (or quite possibly both) coach in the league, which begs the conclusion that the rest of you will inevitably make better coaching decisions, trades, and roster changes than I will. In other words, 3-12, here we come.

So how am I reacting to this Nostradamian vision of impending doom? Believe it or not I find it quite refreshing to know that my team has to do so little to live up to or, dare I say it, exceed such pitifully low expectations. Also, I'm thrilled to be playing the beloved role of the spoiler. You just know that one of you poor souls will have your post-season aspirations dashed by an inconceivable and inconveniently-timed loss to my team. Or, more likely, you'll find yourself in 3rd place with the season winding down, desperately needing the 2nd place team to lose their remaining games so that you, unable to control your own destiny, can limp into the Strictly Circus Bowl (thus taking a page right out of the New York Jets Guide to Reaching the Post-Season), but alas! your dreams go unfulfilled as my fellowship of incompetence fails to do your work for you and falls to the 2nd place team, guaranteeing them a spot in the championship and relegating you to the Who Gives A Rat's Ass Bowl or the Undesire-A-Bowl, or whatever we decide to call the meaningless 3rd-4th place game.

So enjoy the 2 or 3 wins with which I generously provide you, yet be forewarned that if every other team is faring the same way against me, you're really not accomplishing anything by beating me. For my part, I hope that Merritt and his man-crush Peyton kick all your asses. That way at least one expansion team - lo and behold, the one that DIDN'T get completely screwed by 1) having the worst draft position and 2) Baxter's Dr. Evilian "2 QBs is really the way to go" scheme - can have some success this year.

End communication.