Maple vs. Desert: The "Shady" Details

My dearest shrubbery,

While I'm tempted to award you some bonus points in the showdown this weekend for creating a post that literally made me laugh out loud, upon re-examining the central argument of said post, I discovered some glaring flaws that are in dire need of redress.

Let us first consider the respective merits of the various aspects of the desert that you so callously deride:

Drought: True, water and its potential benefits for life have gotten some good press in recent years, but will the good PR last? I think not. Once Nobel-laureate Gore's Irritating Truth Theory proves true and the polar ice caps melt, you'll pay top dollar for a drought. That or an ark, but arks are hard to come by these days.

Scorpions: Download "Wind of Change" to your iTunes and then tell me these guys don't rock (you like a hurricane). As for the arachnids, they're pretty cool too. Perhaps the oldest predatory species still in existence, they are some of the most resilient creatures on Earth and are even capable of surviving nuclear radiation. In Texas I personally witnessed some of their many talents, such as walking on ceilings, hiding in coffee cups, and not dying.

Cancer: Technically this is a product not of the desert itself but rather of the sun (that luminous, life-giving bastard). However, I find it interesting that the link for this word on your post leads to a Camel cigarettes ad - desert, camel, cigarettes, cancer: interesting progression. Coincidence or cleverness?

Sand in your butt: Come on, now you're just getting desperate. After all, who doesn't love the sensation of hundreds of coarse granules of pulverized rock migrating up his or her rectal cavity? Anal exfoliation: what could be better? I mean, I can't be alone here, can I?

A Horse with No Name: While lacking the dulcimer tones that Gerry Beckley lent to "Sister Golden Hair" and not offering quite as rich a tapestry of lyrical images as that woven by Dewey Bunnell in "Ventura Highway," this 1972 single by the English-American folk-rock band America still reached number 1 on the charts and is cherished by the tens of people who like the sound of singers whose voices somewhat resemble that of Neil Young.

So now that I've extolled the virtues of the desert, let's examine the darker side of the maple:

Shade: While providing respite from the harsh rays of the aforementioned cancer-orb, the shade is the breeding ground of mildew and fungi. Hardly what I'd consider "stately." There's a reason why the term "shady" has such negative connotations.

Syrup: Great on pancakes, waffles, french toast, and the occasional naked woman, but the stickiness presents real problems. Especially when my roommate spills a bottle of it in my fridge and it gets on my beer. Syrup's kinda on my poop-list right now.

Helicopters: I could never do that cool thing where you split them down the middle and put them on your nose. On a more universal level, they clutter lawns and are too small to easily rake up, thus angering the scores of people who have nothing more important to care about than how nice their yards look. Don't kid yourself, those people are out there.

Hammocks: So comfortable...TOO comfortable, in fact. Their gentle, swaying embrace is conducive to laziness, and unproductivity goes against the American way and the Protestant work ethic upon which our country was founded. As the saying goes, "Idle buttocks make the Devil's Advocate." Or something to that effect - I was never up to speed on my God-isms.

Photosynthesis: When you think about it, is oxygen really all it's cracked up to be? Yes, breathing is nice and all, but it's a commodity that's become far too readily available: stupid people currently have just as much access to it as do intelligent people. If there were less oxygen to go around as the result of, say, massive deforestation, then we'd be thrown into a survival of the fittest situation in which the idiots among us would certainly die out first, thus strengthening the species. Simply put, fewer plants equals smarter humans. It's Social Darwinism at its finest, and who can argue with that?

In conclusion, while on the surface the maple seems comforting and life-giving and the desert harsh and unforgiving, there's more to each of them than first meets the eye. Hopefully the same can be said of the Sheik 'n' Bake this weekend.

Yours Truly,
Sheik Yorbooti
President of the International Council for the Promulgation of Desert Awesomeosity

P.S. - Getcha Powerthirst ready!!! (It helps prevent dehydration-in-the-back)